Every now and then I get the courage within to share deeply the things I have encountered that have experienced, that I have done and about the way I have lived that have not necessarily been things I would be proud of and today is another of those days I have the bravado to do so again.
Idealistic, head in the clouds, and neurotic are not characteristics you would normally hear any man admit to at one time possessing but I know too well I am not one of those men. All 3 very much apply in some way to the person I have been and in the opinions of some, still am. Very much am I the imaginative person, creative ever imaginative and running multiple scenarios in my mind at the same time in vivid colour but very much as well has this propensity to be highly imaginative been my downfall.
A lot of the past years of my life have passed in virtual reality; the scenarios in my mind either much better than what I dared reach for when I woke from my dreams; the nightmare of my addiction more gripping than I dared let anyone know. Outside of my mind, the person everyone saw was poised for success, a bit reserved but nonetheless in many ways quite the person to emulate-or at least that is the image I tried to project to everyone.
In my own world, in my mind it was a different story; a prison in which I was chained and could neither be free of the fear nor the lust that was in my heart and as such a lot of what could have been was lost as I waged a losing war.
It is a failing that I have had in life, just something to let anyone who reads what I have to say but may never have met me realise that nomatter how much you have been blessed by what I share by the grace of God that is at work in me, I have also needed grace and that I also need it. It is just to share the reality that no matter the measure of grace at work in us, it is not earned as we cannot deserve it but it is of grace alone and as such we should not fear to approach the father for anything we need.
I just hope this blesses you my friends.